last night's mare

Last night, I was about to change something for me to realize the whole thing. I thought that things get better if I had to settle it. Unfortunately, I was in the long run of being the dumb from a stupid guy. I never thought that he could be that cruel maybe I just can't have him the way I wanted to be. I drunk for so long.. sleeping with empty thoughts and bleeding the pain inside. I never hurt because of he did, but I cried for myself because I've been stupid in a unreasonable way..

perfect guy in my dream

Two nights ago, I was dreaming of someone that best fit to my chosen man. A cute-white-complexion-young-boy-in-his-teen appeared in my dream as someone who showed interest in my personality. He seemed so jolly, kind and understanding. He played games and everything in him is perfect. A perfect description of the man that I dream with.

My dream seemed so clear because I can still feel the emotion that I get from the unknown guy. He was someone whom I can't forget in every second of a day, a thought of him conquers my sanity. He was always been my dream that someday, someone would love me that way I wanted to be. He was my man, but only in my dreams.

I don't know if I could meet that guy in person. I don't even if that man exist in this world. I don't know where he comes from. I don't know his name. I don't know if he still alive. But I just wish that someday I should meet that guy. I hope that we could spend time together just like in my dream. I hope that he is just there waiting for me because I really need him now. I don't what to do now, it seem that I'm contented in having him only dream.

I really pray and hope that we could meet and enjoy life together. I miss you now, and I hope I can dream on you again.

Here's the song for my dream man:

surving from the fittest

It's been a long time that I feel something good with myself. It was the time when I started to realize my real identity. It mad me glad throughout the day since I accepted the idea of being a gay. I thought before that it's nice to be true than to pretend. So, I spread my wings and flew to the world of vanity and fun. It was fun but it turned to be something more serious as days passed.

I was in high school then when I enjoyed most of my teenagers. I started to smoke, drink and play with boys. It was always getting fun than focusing study. I joined with gay groups to went to different places hooking for a partner. I put make-ups and sometimes wore girl's dress. I still remember how I look-like which gave me a negative impact from my friends. It was embarrassing knowing that your first crush said negative words regarding your transformation. Holly shit! I'm still bleeding remembering that situation.

My high school days was just an experiment that brought me to be someone with negative past. I cried and suffered so hard since I wasn't the person I wanted to be then. When I tried to be good I ended hilarious. Everything seemed different and it kept me hurting as I continued the journey. I don't know if it's a journey because I don't have the destination to go through. I just walked to the path which I thought was right. Every miles that I toke put me into different situations that strengthen my revenge and weaken my self-esteem. I was just a warrior with no weapons to hold and fight with. I just fought the battle alone and I always ended up as loser. As a warrior, I never stopped. I continued knowing and hoping I might find ways to win and feel that so called happiness. But it turned to be worst because the battle was not meant for me. I just step back and accepted my defeat. From them on, I stopped to be warrior, I shifted to be a traveler.

At the start of my travel, it was different. I regain myself and enjoyed the different spots I'd seen. Everything looked beautiful and fantastic. I've been into a place where God's words are forever. Those places appeared to be a redeemer and I moved on for me to achieve my dreams. I kept in traveling searching, waiting, and seeking for the gem of happiness. I toke every step and every ride as a kaleidoscope of regaining the fantastic world. It was fun and I enjoyed being a traveler. It opened me to a different world with different scenes. A scene that might bring back the old self for you to survive. In the end, I was not happy again. I can't find the treasure that I'm looking for. I never been to that situation where happiness and love collided as one. Tthat's why I completely lost myself without telling to the world that I should be loved. I lost to that travel, I was walking to a place where no one to be with. No one to share, care, and love. So, I asked why I was like this. I never want to be in stage of deciphering the past and present. I just don't want to happen it again. But I was wrong, I was back again to the world of loneliness and despair. With it, I ended my life.

I was saved by somebody who helped me to bring the pieces back to its form. But I was not that cooperative, I just don't have the strength to face the world again. I hid on the idea that I had something that could pull that happiness. I was blinded by my past and stayed to my weak. I always cried while realizing the impact of that experienced. I was just a nobody who can't stand up from its mat. I just kept in laying to my losing grip. I was completely unstable with the situation and I got more frustrations as time went by. I felt that world was against me because everything I did was just a mess. And I don't have a reason to live the world again.

The someone that I abandoned was still there waiting for me to wake up from my nightmares. I just don't realize how lucky am I to have somebody. But I was just nobody without somebody who pretend to have one. I was hanging on the thought of not-meant-to-be since I don't believe that there could be somebody who will stick with me. With my past experience, could he still come and wait? I knew he wasn't real, he was just like me pretending to be somebody with somebody. That somebody left just like a thin air. I was alone over and over again.

It was a dream that pushed me to bring back the glory of myself. A dream that happiness is just simple. It was just in me but I did'nt see it. I thought that I was just a lonely soul with lonely life. But I was wrong, I just didn't see the gems beside me. I was overshadowed by my emotions and self-pity. I didn't tried to be someone who had a fight spirit for everyday's battle. I didn't used the weapon that I put on my side. I just kept it without thoughts of knowing its value. I just blinded of that weapon who's quality was mighter than the two swords. I was completely ignorant and innocent to the beautiful things inside me.

From them on, I get myself back to world where reality should be the mean concern. A reality that life goes on even after of everything. It should a foundation of strength and believability of your abilities, qualities and importance. I just now feel the goodness I used to have before. But it's different now because I'm getting better as days passed. I just learn from my mistakes and applied it for my survival. It is now time in surviving from the fittest to happiness.

finding new identity

I was in the stage of saying goodbye to myself. I was an outcast in the family. I was a nobody who didn't do anything for life. I just stay there and thickening my face for me to survive. I was being judge as the blacksheep. I was everybody's hated person.

It was a call from a friend changed everything to my dilemma. A call that brought me to regain myself and move on with life. The thing that I'm looking for so long. The wish that I pretend to have. Indeed, this call remarked the reality that I was indeed a God gift to the world. And that call needs my service, my qualities, my passion, my dedication and above all my job.

I am now working as production assistant for Anlene Movement 2008 that will celebrate the World Osteoporosis Day at SM City, Cebu. This job opens my strength when it comes to creativity, authenticity, and aesthetics. It solve my problem since I have now money for my survival. This job will surely bring me to something that I like. Someday, I will regain myself that life is precious once you know the fake.

Here are the pictures after the event:

suicide at 21

Have you experienced being abandoned by your family? Or being outcast in the field of family ties? Would you take the challenge by being the black sheep? Or will you swallow your pride for the sake of reunion? These thoughts mold my head as I reflect the things that happened in my life...

At 21, I got a lot of problems taken. I quit school because I didn't pay the tuition fee. I didn't bought a practicum uniform--I just used the money for my own. I am jobless, don't have money to survive. I'm nowhere, I just go to a place where I could have food. I got an ulcer due to lack of food. I am totally down...

I don't know if I could survive, i'm thinking of suiciding. It's hard to be in my situation, I don't have bullets to go with my life. I'm desperate, I lose my family and classmates. But I still have friends whom showed concerned in my situation.

What could a suicide can do with my problems? Is that really a big help? I'm thinking to do it right now. I don't think I could scape from this cage I made. I am completely different, this is not me anymore... I just let myself swallowed by the limelight of darkness.

Help me, I am in complete trouble. I really wanted to have a shining star on my head so that I may see the real things...